The Chaos of the Unknown

Day by day you wake up to a new hoping for the best, but expecting the usual. Wake up to put on a face that makes others comfortable. Dress in a manner that reduces your natural ‘swag’, and try your best to blend in. Try not to make a statement.

Consistently overlooked, but constantly watched. Walking through the halls, and seeing others like you give you a brief sense of relief. “We are here together”. At the same time remaining conscious of how many of “us” can conjugate before attention is drawn and heads are turned. Three or more equates to inefficiency, even if you are discussing the greater good.

Sit in meetings where you are the only one, all while remaining 2 steps ahead by being prepared for all scenarios. Any uncertainty or hesitation only confirms their thought that you should not be at this table or even in this room. Speak up only to be questioned, but valued as the one who maintains the team. Because the buck stops here and can rarely be forwarded.

What is this?? Why is this truth?? Why is this our broken reality that we wake up to and live everyday? Why do we come back hoping for better when years of consistent behavior of others have trained “Us” to adjust how we act, what we say, how we say, and when we say in order to avoid discomfort for them.

For many, the risk of remaining tightly closed in a bud is not quite as painful as the risk it takes to bloom. Therefore the unknown remains because stability is more important than any dream we ever had.

If we cannot dream, we don’t aspire to be more. If our minds remain occupied, we forget to dream. And if we don’t realize that we are more than the boxes they try to fit us in, then we remain comfortable in the known, despite our diamond shape covered by dirt of others.

Remember who He is

God has a way of showing you just how powerful he is yet he requires you to trust in him. Trust that He has your best interest at heart. He wants you to come after Him, and lean not to your own understanding. Trust in him even when the odds are stacked 100:1. This is my current learning stage, and one that I’m struggling day to day. It’s so easy to walk and trust in God when all is great, but the test is when your world seems to continue to crumble. When you feel like you can’t take anymore, and then another piece crumbles in front of your eyes. That very moment when the scream of “too much” bottles in your throat, God waits patiently (beside you) to acknowledge Him. For you to call on His name, and be reminded that He is Lord. He will not put more on you than you can bear. It’s merely a process of growth, which can cause a lot of pain, loneliness, and sometimes confusion (which is always made clear in the future). This by far can be the hardest season  experienced in life, but keeping your eyes on Jesus Christ is the key. When the storm is over, you will look back and realize that only God can bring you out of something that could/should have broken you.

Love God and all of his power…To know Him is to love Him.

A junction of thoughts race through my mind causing all efforts of clarification to fail. The weight of responsibility keeps me up all day, and exhausted by night. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my son’s smile when I walk in the door from a long day. That smile is filled with more expressions than one can relay. LOVE.

The Start

So the idea of starting a blog has been resting heavily on my heart. I had not the slightest idea of what I am to write, nor how to create one. Then I became intimidated by the fact that ANYONE could read my blog. “What would they think ?” OR better yet “What would they say?”. The more I prolonged making the first post, the more I felt inclined not to do it. Then I thought, what the heck! I have something to say. This is my attempt to come out of my own shell. So here I am today, fighting my first #fear of what others think….believe it or not I somehow feel liberated. Now would you look at that. 😊

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